Cristiano Ronaldo is cursed, maybe

A week before the World Cup, the rosters have been set and friendlies are being played, but the most important part of this tuneup process is avoiding injury.

While Mexico’s Luis Montes broke his leg in a friendly and will miss the World Cup, Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo was held out of his nation’s first game against Greece because of a niggling leg issue. This issue seems harmless, and the team’s trainers expect this year’s Ballon D’or winner to be back healthy in time for the World Cup. But another, less-than-reputable source says otherwise.

Ghanaian witch doctor Nana Kwaku Bonsam – “Ghana’s most influential witch doctor” as the Guardian put it – says he is the reason behind Ronaldo’s injuries, and they’re only going to get worse.

“I know what Cristiano Ronaldo’s injury is about, I’m working on him,” Bonsam, who serves at the Kofioo Kofi shrine, said in an interview with the Kumasi-based Angel FM.

“I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called ‘Kahwiri Kapam.’

“I said it four months ago that I will work on Cristiano Ronaldo seriously and rule him out of the World Cup or at least prevent him from playing against Ghana and the best thing I can do is to keep him out through injury.

“This injury can never be cured by any medic, they can never see what is causing the injury because it is spiritual. Today, it is his knee, tomorrow it is his thigh, next day it is something else.”

Obviously this entire story is ridiculous and the World Cup is a truly worldwide weirdfest already, but if Ronaldo arrives in Manaus with a shrunken head, you’ll know curses are real and Nana Kwaku Bonsam is not to be trifled with.

If a medic can’t solve the problem, my advice to Portugal would be to find Ghana’s second most influential witch doctor to reverse this curse.


About Jonathan Biles

Jonathan Biles is a staff writer for Awful Announcing.